I've been mentally preparing myself for this day for nearly a month. There were a couple of weeks when I was able to push it to the back of my mind, but as the days ticked off the calendar, I found my anxiety levels increasing again. It's one thing to know what's probably going on in there with Will, but it's another thing to see it in black and white on the ultrasound screen. Yesterday, Mr. Man and I talked about needing to try to focus on enjoying seeing Will on the screen tomorrow, instead of being so focused on the measurements, percentiles and shapes of his bones. It's so easy to sit there and just stare at the numbers instead of looking at his face and watching him jump around on the screen. I pray that tomorrow we will find the peace to just enjoy seeing our precious boy.
I have prepared a bunch of different questions for the doctors tomorrow, and I hope things go well enough that I can guide our way through them. Some part of me just fears that what they see tomorrow is going to be worse than last time and all of my questions will fly out the window. I hate crying and getting upset in front of the doctors, so I pray I have the strength to stay composed enough to ask the questions that have been burning through my mind the last few weeks.
Emotionally, I am feeling quite unprepared. I thought I had it all together but found myself breaking down last night after the happy ending of the movie, Bridesmaids. If you've seen it, you're probably questioning my sanity. What in the world would make a person cry at the end of the movie that self proclaims it is the "best comedy of 2011"? Last night, I was upset because they all got their happy ending. Lame, huh?
I want a happy ending, too, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid for Will. I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid for Mr. Man. I'm afraid for The Babe. The fear of whatever is before us is paralyzing at times, but I'm doing my best to remember that I alone cannot take on all of it. I have to turn it over to God and put my faith in Him to lead us through. The worry is also totally fruitless. I remember this bible verse from when I was little:
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
Please pray for us that we're able to remember that the Lord is our strength and he can provide comfort and peace to us today, tomorrow and all the days ahead. Please also pray for the health of little William. The thought of potentially losing our precious little boy is overwhelming, but we need to remember that God has His plan for our family and we need to trust in Him to guide us.
I will try to update more tomorrow evening.