I'll start with a quick update on Will. We had another ultrasound and doctor's appointment last week. They estimated that he weighed 3 pounds 12 ounces which is right around where he should be. His femurs are still measuring short, at less than the 2nd percentile, which means 98% of other babies his age have longer femurs. The rest of his body is measuring okay, except for his chest but we didn't get exact measurements on that last week. We are supposed to go again next week for another ultrasound and we'll check out his chest / lungs / abdomen in more detail then. The doctor we saw last week was a female and she was very much into discussing my well-being. At one point during our conversation, she seemed to be getting a little choked up and she just kept asking me how I was, if I was able to function, etc. It seemed that all she really wanted to talk about was me because she felt like the situation with Will really can't be helped. That frustrated me a little, but I guess I'm beginning to come to terms with how the medical community is 'treating' him at this point. The numbers all point to lethality, but they, too, understand that we won't know what really is going to happen until he's born, so their primary focus from this point forward is going to be on me.
The most difficult thing this whole pregnancy has been the balance between being strong and being vulnerable, hence my last post. At some point, though, after enough medical people have questioned my ability to cope with the situation, I am starting to question how I am actually doing. After we got home from the appointment last week, I took a shower and was thinking about everything the doctor had said. Here's a glimpse into that conversation with myself while showering...aren't you lucky?
- Do I need medicine to sleep? Nah, I'm sleeping enough....I should probably turn Emme's monitor down though because I can hear the child breathing through the speaker. I should stop being so paranoid that something is going to happen to her. Does worrying about her excessively mean I'm struggling??
- Am I eating enough? Ugh, yes. I'm on pace to gain more weight with Will than I gained with Emme, and Will's femurs are short and bones are heavy. So clearly I'm eating enough. Duh. Bones are actually heavy, right? I should have listened more in science class. The fact that I didn't listen in science class makes me normal, right?
- Do I find it difficult to function or focus on everyday tasks? I think I'm functioning okay. I mean, I keep our family fed, I get out of the house, most people that meet me would think that the pregnancy is totally normal. Right? Wait a minute...maybe people that meet me don't think I'm normal, but is that abnormal?
- Have I washed my face yet? It's kind of wet, but is it wet enough that I actually washed it!?!? CRAP. I guess I should wash it again...or maybe for the first time. Ugh, who knows. Clearly, I am starting to lose it.
- Why can't I remember if I washed my face?!?! Did the doctor mention anything about memory issues? Oh crap, have I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair? What would happen if I didn't wash it out? Would anyone notice? Why can't I remember if I washed the conditioner out of my hair?!? Maybe I should call the doctor?
- At this point, I started laughing hysterically. Clearly, I am cracking up and falling apart. This is exactly what the doctor was talking about. Maybe I should go call her and tell her that maybe I do need help or some medical intervention. OR even better, maybe I should tell her I'm pregnant...I'm hormonal...and I'm doing the very best I can. :)
The good news is that I am 99.9% sure I'm still 'normal'...as long as I can get the doctors to quit questioning my strength, I think I can make it these last few weeks before Will's born. I will admit, though, that the closer we get to the delivery date the more I feel like throwing up a little out of fear and worry. I also want to try to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. I am afraid they may be my last weeks with Will and I don't want to wish this time away. SOOOOOO, for now, I'm choosing to enjoy my time. I'm choosing to relax, to laugh a little, and to continue being me. My family has always had a way of finding a way to laugh when times get tough, and I plan to continue that tradition. I don't want to be sad or scared. I want to be the best mom I can be to little Will in these coming weeks and that means I just need to be me! If that means going out of the house with conditioner in my hair, so be it! :)
I'll be back more this week with updates on everything! I'm also hoping to do some things around the house now that my mom is here, and I'm hoping some are blog worthy. As I sit typing this, I can hear mom down in the kitchen. The menu for tonight's dinner is fried chicken, pinto beans, macaroni salad and cornbread (edited to add that she also just proudly announced she made apple pie, too)! And the doctor worries if I'm eating enough??? I'll show her!!! :)