In addition to checking his fluid levels this morning, they also did a standard biophysical profile (BPP). This is basically where they check him to ensure he's practicing his breathing, moving around enough and that his heart rate is okay. Thankfully, everything came back okay. The only new thing they saw today was that he has an enlarged bladder. When the doctor came in to tell me about it, she didn't really go into a lot of detail. I think since we're just a week away from delivery, the doctors kind of feel like there isn't a lot of reason to try to figure stuff out with Will. There have been so many abnormal things this whole pregnancy and we still don't really know why, so I kind of feel like they just add other issues onto the list and move on.
Speaking of the doctors kind of adding stuff on a list and not really going into detail about it, I also learned today that Will has abnormal hands and feet. We got the first suspicion that something may be going on with his hands and feet last Friday night. That's right,. Friday night. I opened a letter from the geneticist we met with a few weeks ago and it was basically her report / follow up from our meeting. She summarized all of Will's issues and included a sentence on his "abnormal hands and feet". I immediately stopped reading and took the letter to Carlton. He agreed that it was the first time we had ever heard anything abnormal mentioned about his hands or feet. Of course, I stewed all weekend over this new bit of info and had planned to call on Monday to ask them about it, but honestly I tried to push it out of my head. At this point, what is another issue? I guess I'm kind of like the doctors. I get annoyed at them for brushing over issues, but I have been doing that in a way, too. I think it's just easier to come to terms with the fact that we're just really not going to know what's going on with Will until he's born.
Everyone has been asking me how I feel since we're a week away from his birthday, and I just don't really have the right words to describe my feelings. In some fleeting moments, the fear of the unknown is literally paralyzing. It takes my breath away. I find myself breathing deeply and trying to calm my nerves. In other moments, I find myself smiling happily at the thought of just holding him in my arms, at seeing those locks of hair we've seen on ultrasound so many times and on finally catching a glimpse of his wiggling toes. I can truly say that I'm excited to meet Will face-to-face. I want to meet my son. I want to hold him and start taking care of him. I guess I want to finally feel like we have some control or means to help him. BUT, I also fear that somehow next Wednesday could be the beginning of the end. The doctors all seem so pessimistic that it is easy to allow myself to let my mind take control over my heart and my faith.
While sitting in the doctor's office this morning, I got a text from a dear friend. It said simply, "Proverbs 3: 5-6". I immediately looked it up and found these words.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
As I sat on the exam table waiting for the doctor, I found myself reciting those words and praying for Will and for our family. I truly have faith that the Lord's will will be done with our Will (whew, say that 3 times fast!), but that doesn't make it easy. So, back to next Wednesday. I'm scared, but yet I'm hopeful. I am excited to meet our son and I'm praying for peace and strength for whatever that day may hold. I also ask that you remember us in prayer, especially next Wednesday, May 2. The c-section is scheduled for 1:00 PM EST, and I'm hoping to send out a quick Facebook message when we're actually headed back for delivery.
PS - Thanks to everyone for your words of support, comments, emails, cards, etc. The outpouring of love and support for our family and for Will has truly touched my heart. At a time when I could be feeling very alone, I feel completely surrounded by love and support. I don't know that I'll ever be able to pay all of that love and support forward, but I'm certainly going to try!