The words are hard to find. The peace is even harder. We did something no parent in our shoes should do when left alone in the hospital overnight. We researched the current diagnosis for Will.
I read the words on the screen and the all too familiar feelings of dread crept back into me. How could it be that my precious son may not make it after everything we have been through? Are we really headed down the road of eventually losing him?
I lost it. I am not ashamed to admit it. I absolutely, positively became the mom that could no longer hold it together. I cried, I asked God why, and I begged and pleaded that everything just be okay with Will.
This journey is not even close to over. Our fight for Will is only beginning. We need to educate ourselves and make sure we have the right diagnosis this time. We will get to all that though. The wheels are in motion.
For now, we have decided that we just need to love our son, to hold him and feed him every chance we get. If his days on this earth are shorter than we pray for, we are going to do everything in our power to make them the best days possible. We are his parents. We have to be strong for him. He deserves the very best and we owe him all of the newborn snuggles and cuddles.
Last night, after totally losing it, we went down and saw our little boy. He was bundled up and sleeping peacefully. I cried and then cried some more, but when those little fingers grab mine, it snaps me back to reality. The reality that he is here. He is here now!!! Praise God that he is alive now!! That is more than what we knew to expect just two days ago. We do have our miracle; it is time to cherish him and move forward in faith that our God won't leave our side.
Earlier this morning, Carlton was wheeling me back to my room and I caught a glimpse of a prayer on the wall that we have passed many times these past few days. I hadn't noticed it before but it was a great reminder since it is one of the prayers I recited many times at the beginning of this journey.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
We will hopefully learn more about Will today. Please just pray for us. Pray that we can live fully in each moment. That we can be strong for our little boy and strong for each other.
Our journey has truly just begun. I give praise today for a new day though. The sun is up. I hear the chatter of children in the hall. Our long, dark night is over. Our boy is alive. It is time to love him. To feed him. To be normal. Thank you God for today, tomorrow and the forever you have given to us and our precious little boy.
***im typing from my mobile device now and dont have time to proofread. Excuse an crazy auto-fill words.