I feel nervous. Yet excited.
I have a sense of calm and peace. Yet I am paralyzed with fear thinking of the "worst case scenario".
I realized today just how nervous Carlton and my Mom are heading into tomorrow. I guess I've been kind of oblivious to all the chatter around me the past few days. They certainly seem far more nervous than I do and that scares me a little. Maybe I should be more afraid? More nervous?
In some ways, having over 20 weeks to prepare myself for tomorrow has been a blessing. We have known that Will has some potential issues for many, many months and I've had time to process all of it and educate myself as best as I can. For a perfectionist like me, that's about as much heads up as I could have received. In some ways, I guess knowing for so long was also a curse. I haven't been able to enjoy the pregnancy with Will as much as I would have liked, and I've spent countless hours worrying and praying for his health and safety.
By this time tomorrow, I will have seen our little boy's face and there's one thing I know for sure. Once I see him, none of this will matter any longer. The worry, the fears, the nervousness will all disappear. It will be replaced with pure love and the recognition of what an amazing gift from God this little boy is to our family. Regardless of how our story will seemingly "turn out", it truly is the beginning of our life together with Will and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Please think of us tomorrow and pray for sweet Will as he enters this world. The c-section is scheduled for 1:00 PM EST and we'll do our best to keep everyone updated.
Thank you again for your support through this journey...it's just the beginning.
Edited to Add: I received a call tonight from one of my aunt's and she told me that Isaiah 41:13 was one of my grandmother's favorite bible verses (I hadn't realized this before now). In fact, she recited it out loud during her final days of illness before passing away last Fall. I find it so reassuring to have this verse so close to my heart during this time. It's kind of funny that it also arrived in my inbox on Saturday morning when were at the hospital with our early labor complications; Saturday also just happened to be my grandmother's birthday. I'm thinking just maybe my grandmother does have her angel wings on and is preparing to guide Will's delivery tomorrow! If she does, I'm predicting that he arrives with quite a commotion!!
The photo below is a picture I took of my grandmother's hands along with Will's big sister, Emme's, when she was just a couple months old. Precious.